The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
