I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This house was built for laser tag.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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