I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
not ubering you a puppy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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