seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You're like the curious george of whores
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
