My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
