my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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