I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
