No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
