I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
