I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
and she was petting her beer can
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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