Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
