mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
