Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
