the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
