I wish I could teleport
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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