I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
