Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
