weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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