we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
