We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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