On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
