my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
