I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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