I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
