nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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