At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
