So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
