He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
