During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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