I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
