Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
