in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
