My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
