so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
