# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
