My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
