Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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