My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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