my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
