I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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