He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
