So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
