question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
