Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
