Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
