i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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