Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
