Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
