So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
