Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
